Many women are crystal clear they are going to become a mom. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or does, whether or not they have a partner, a successful career, enough money, how old they are, they know they want to be a mom. Period.
In another camp are women who deeply feel a desire to be a mom, but are conflicted. Maybe it’s an unsure feeling about right timing and maybe it’s about whether to have kids at all. Her conflict may arise out of feeling deeply committed to her career, her freedom, her desire to create and accomplish other things with her life. It’s not clear if she can have it all or if she wants to spend her energy also on raising children. These women may be with a partner who desperately wants a child and is pressuring her, or a woman who finds herself pregnant at a time in her life when she wasn’t planning to have a child.
What can you do if you are ambivalent?
Here are something simple things to explore.
Ask yourself the following:
On a scale of 0-100%, how committed am I to becoming a mom?
There is no wrong answer. See how that feels. What if it’s 60% yes?
Are you comfortable making a commitment and proceeding at 60%? Can you make peace with that?
If you are ambivalent, that is normal. Be gentle with yourself. I know plenty of women who are moms, who would absolutely do it again, and who have doubts at times, wonder what it would have been like to have made a different decision or chosen a different timing to start their family.
And I know single women who adore their lives and choices, but sometimes wonder what it would have been like. It seems to me this is just part of being a woman. Only you can know which choice is best for you, and you most likely know this in your heart and in your gut.
Start a Baby Journal
Give yourself some kind of timeline–a deadline by which you’ll decide, and break up that timeline into weekly or daily segments.
Spend one full week exploring and pretending that you’ve 100% decided YES you are going to pursue your desire for a child. In your yes week, incorporate the following activities and come up with your own:
1. Go to baby stores. Read baby and mothering magazines. Offer to babysit on these days for a friend who would love a mani-pedi break. Journal your thoughts and feelings and plans on these days. Keep track of how you feel on these days. And then for the equal amount of time, alternate with NO days, days where you try on that you’ve decided 100% that you are at no, you are not choosing to be a parent. On those days, journal your thoughts and plans about this, go do things that have nothing to do with children, really get into the fact you’ve decided not to. And notice your physical and emotional responses on these days. At the end of your agreed upon time period, check in with yourself again. Do you know what you most desire?
There are lots of things you can do, and I think these two things are simple and might help you get clear if you aren’t sure. As with anything we have not yet experienced, there may be some trepidation, it’s normal! It does appear though, with all of the models of amazing women and men out there who also have kids, that yes! You can fulfill your life’s purpose and vision AND have a baby, and sometimes those two callings go hand in hand.
Interview women you admire
Talk to women you admire who chose to have kids and an equal number who chose to not have kids.
Is there a baby wanting to come through? Get to know them.
It can help to bring consciousness to any baby spirits that may be hanging around wanting to come in through you. Exploring a connection with them does not commit you to them. In fact, it can clarify why they are there and if it’s a good fit for all involved. Simply their presence can stimulate your desire emotionally and physically to procreate. It’s worth getting to know them as you embrace your ambivalence and discover your truth.